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Subject: MAFIA MIKE'S DAILY SCHEWS 1/1/10
GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, LADS AND LASSES....... and tiddly -winks ( wherever you may be.. ).....Welcome to Mafia Mike's 1st New Year's opening of 2010....
Well.......I hope you all had a good evening....I know I certainly think I did.....up to that point....I woke up in an awkward situation......I haven't got the faintest idea how it turned out that way.......even I, am TOO embarrassed to ascertain what went on last night....but let me set you the scene.......
The bar was smoke-filled as I walked thru the bar.....the music was playing.....( I had hired a local band to play for us. They were all in fancy-dress.....disguised as potatoes.... called The Humpy Dumpies......that kinda explains that part.....) Marie was really busy......bending over backwards to serve her customers......personally, I thought it was rather an awkward position to be in just for pulling the pintas......most of the green brew ended up on her face as she tried to pass up an upside down upturned glass.....but the punters seem to like it.....
Fred and the monkey were dealing at the tables.....( and if I catch them at it again....those pep-pill -pickin' penguins they were selling....will be shoved up where the sun don't shine.....!).... Not in my bar, they don't....( don't tell Marie i said that......she thinks its her bar !!! )
Aaron/Wanda was giving demonstrations of his new culinary skills to the "deaf, dumb, blind and politically unaware" understudiers ....who just happened to be passing thru on their way to China.....and needed to use the loo badly.......
The ladies darts and knitting needle team were having a full-on contest with the bloody mop brigade......arm wrestling competition......as usual, a brawl happened....apparently, the arms being wrestled were actually ripped from the armchairs and were being used as clubs whilst the other team had to wrestle them off them......there were many bloody noses....mostly to the bouncers who got in the way.....
Then it happened.........the lights went out.......there was a LOUD BANG............
I woke up next morning with a King Edward between my knees, a Maris Piper in my mouth....and a Jersey Royal in my ear......and no jokes about me getting mashed either...poor Marie......will she ever be the same again?.......the whole bar looked like a bomb had gone off in a farmyard......there was shhhhhhh*****t everywhere......Marie was clinging to one of the chandeliers.....with an awful look on her face....as though she had swallowed too many candles from her last performance .....
It transpired....that Fred and the monkey....were a tad annoyed that I had stopped one of their rackets.....and so, decided to get even with me.....they put yeast into the band's costumes.....so, as they heated up from playing....the yeast fermented and reacted to the sweat and the suits exploded.........
There is now an all-out war cry and bounty on those two culprits.....
Anyway.......come and see us real soon.....delve into your friends lists again and invite some more people to Mafia Mike's......from your Bar Cellarman Ted and ALL the staff at Mafia Mike's ....who do a real good job here........NADELEK LOWAN AN DITH.....no, its not a typo....it's a cornish greeting....for ....
HAPPY NEW YEAR ........2010
HOPE YOU HAVE A CRACKIN' ONE......
NOW GO KICK SOME BUTT......DRINKS ARE ON MARIE TONIGHT
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